cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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