Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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