How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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