my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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