just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
