Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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