he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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