just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
