Your mouth is God's brothel.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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