there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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