I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
