So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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