also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
