you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
