my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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