Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
