Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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