dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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