you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
