I want to have your abortion
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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