I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
