You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
