how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
