I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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