THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
