I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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