I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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