I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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