Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
