Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Randomize
