i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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