my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
