please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
