It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
