Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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