all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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