My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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