I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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