got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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