I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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