What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
