alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
