I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Buhtt sex?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
