dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You ruined the universe
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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