when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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