How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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