You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
