hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
