my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
