Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
