It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
