is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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