i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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